GordonUnleashed

Islamofascist Terrorist Amoeba Strike US Soil

October 1st, 2007 by Steve

It’s official now. Six Americans have now died from a brain-eating amoeba. We’ve got two choices to make: Prop the dead bodies in front of the latest television “reality” show, American Idol, Fox News, Oprah, the Weather Channel, etc.; or…

…implement national security safeguards to ensure that all Americans are forever safe from Naegleria fowleri.

It sounds like science fiction but it’s true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die. [snip]

Though infections tend to be found in southern states, Naegleria lives almost everywhere in lakes, hot springs, even dirty swimming pools, grazing off algae and bacteria in the sediment.

Beach said people become infected when they wade through shallow water and stir up the bottom. If someone allows water to shoot up the nose — say, by doing a somersault in chest-deep water — the amoeba can latch onto the olfactory nerve.

The amoeba destroys tissue as it makes its way up into the brain, where it continues the damage, “basically feeding on the brain cells,” Beach said.

It should be easy. First, we declare a “War on Amoeba.” Can’t have a war without a human enemy, so sending U.S. troops into warm water counties like Iran and Syria seems a no-brainer.

We then create a federalized Pool Inspection Security and Sanitation Expediency Department (PISSED), so PISS Agents can ensure the safety of our bathing water. Of course, they’ll have exclusive rights to grope and fondle as you stand in the long line to enter your favorite swimming hole.

As amoeba don’t have constitutional rights, we’ll have to improvise a bit in order to trade some of our core rights for additional security. Remembering that freedom isn’t free, Americans certainly won’t mind depriving pool cleaners and life guards of certain due process protections. We can’t ship them to Guantanamo Bay, as the water is too warm there. Perhaps some northern Canadian island can be arranged?

I realize the sacrifices Americans will have to make, but it’s important that we stop the islamofascist amoeba before they once again reach American shores.

I know this sounds like some bad plot from a cheap sci-fi production. But so does our response to 9/11.

Posted in Civil Liberties, Satire

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